Expect the Unexpected
by Jessicasaurus
Summary: What happens when four seventeen-year-olds get jobs at a company where insanity is required and alternate universes are a common destination? Read to find out! Dramione subplot, fake!Draco and OC subplot  one-sided .


**Disclaimer: Meh. There's no real need for these things. Obviously, the J. in J.K. Rowling does not stand for Jessicasaurus, but you all knew that.**

Karin Wolkenser loved the guided tour part of her job. It was so fun to reveal to all the newbies exactly what went on in the multistory office building disguised to all without the required security clearance. She especially enjoyed looking at the reactions. It was totally worth getting paid seventy-five dollars a day (and room and board).

There were four new workers, which she'd taken the time to research a little before the tour. Isaiah Carter was the only American and definite security guard material: strong, loyal, and a little dim. Lacey Gallagher was an agent, sexy and great at manipulating people. Marilyn Rivers was a researcher, but also musically gifted. She'd be fun to hang out with in the labs. Sean Rivers, her twin, was an agent like Lacey. He liked Lady Gaga and was rather attached to a plaid fedora.

"Okay, new minions, I'm Karin Wolkenser. Consider me your helpful older sister. If you need help at any time, don't hesitate to ask me. However, if you bother me too much, I'll sneak into your room and leave a little surprise." Karin grinned at the four young adults. "Come on, we gotta go. There's a lot of ground to cover in a little time."

First, she showed them the research labs. All the employees were dressed in white lab coats. Some were engaged in conversation with various people, mostly teenage girls; others were running for their lives. "Marilyn, this is where you'll be working. You will be learning about each target that gets captured and comes in for treatment. Your findings will make the agents' jobs easier. Consider yourself one of the smartest minions here."

Marilyn immediately stopped playing with her braid and beamed with pride.

Aww, they were so cute when they were young and uncorrupted. "Let's talk to one of the researchers. Artie?"

A tall woman with short hair and glasses glared at Karin. "I told you, it's Artemis. And make it fast, I don't want Zach to die at the hands of a troll."

"Righto, Artie," Karin smiled brightly. "Can you explain to these guys exactly what you do?"

Artemis sighed exasperatedly. "Well, right now, I'm interviewing Selena Ashley Gabriella Sharpay Demi Hannah Miley Bieber with my colleague, Zach Adler." Artemis gestured towards a tall man with a large nose and curly hair. "Normally we do our job without others, but Selena is a little insane, so I needed backup. As a researcher, you will be expected to ask the captured targets questions that will help us understand them and do our jobs better. And I believe that's Zach screaming, so I should go before he gets too injured."

Artemis strode off, yelling, "Code 5, Adler!"

"So, onto the agent prep room," Karin said, suddenly brisk. "Don't worry, this sort of incident happens all the time."

The agent prep room was Karin's favorite. Costumes and makeup were laying around, like a giant dress-up game. Professional disguise artists were working on a few agents. Others were swapping war stories or trying on new clothing. Karin waved at a cheerful man with the hairstyle commonly known as a "Jewfro". "Ben, these are the new recruits. Sean, Lacey, you'll be working with this drama geek."

"Oh, Karin, you flatter me," Ben said. "So, I'm guessing the gentleman in the plaid fedora is Sean and the girl attempting to steal his hat is Lacey. If you're wondering how I knew that, it's because I do my job well. See, being an agent isn't all about looking pretty, you have to really understand people. How they work and whatnot. Sean, I knew you were an agent because we tend to dress sharply, and may I say that hat is amazing. Lacey, the fact that five men so far have turned their heads around to look at you suggests that you command attention. That's a good thing when breaking down a target, they can't stand to have anyone not paying attention to them and it weakens them to further attack and capture."

Sean was blushing with pride. Lacey just looked a little bored, like she'd heard those compliments before. "Do we have any way to call for help?" Sean asked. "If the target turns out to be dangerous, I mean."

"Nope!" Ben noticed Karin enjoying the horrified looks on Sean and Lacey's faces and elbowed her. "Karin, you sadistic little tour guide. Why didn't you tell these poor kids about the no-outs rule before now? Just look at their sad faces." Ben hugged both of them. "Come on, cheer up. We're not sending you anywhere dangerous until you've been here at least a week. Now shoo, I have to get rid of this wonderful fro. Stupid Goth universe."

There was an awkward silence, during which Lacey succeeded in stealing Sean's hat. Karin broke it. "Onto the break room, then. I'll let you guys just do whatever you want for a while, your day's been pretty rough."

The employee break room was a thing of beauty. By reaching in the cupboard, one could get anything they needed. Isaiah took a subway sandwich and started snacking happily. There was a state-of-the-art wizard radio, with Celestina Warbeck's latest hit single playing, and an entire wall was taken up by moving photos of the employees. Isaiah noticed a picture of himself and Sean goofing off that he didn't remember being taken.

Employees from all over the company were in there. A few security guards were playing espresso pong, their weapons on the table beside them. The weapons looked an awful lot like sporks, for some unknown reason. Isaiah wandered over to join the black-clothed men. "Hi, y'all. I'm Isaiah!"

One of the smaller guards, with spiky highlighted hair looked at the mildly intimidating, if a little fluffy, blond. "The name's Gojira, Darth Gojira."

"Actually, his name's Hugh," A smirking man with curly brown hair said. "Ah, dude, don't tackle me. Not cool."

Gojira got off of the man, dusting himself off. "Isaiah, you'll notice that around here, we're a little different from your average group of security goons. We're more unique than that. I like the term 'insane forces of apocalyptic doom', but that could be taken as a slight exaggeration."

The espresso pong players, a force of apocalyptic doom? Maybe they were a force of doom, but _apocalyptic_? Isaiah, once again, had no idea what was happening. One would think he would have gotten used to the constant confusion, but Isaiah still managed to be surprised every time his life got a little more surreal.

Gojira bounced the ping-pong ball and missed again. "I'm no good at this game. Isaiah, wanna take over?"

Isaiah wasn't allowed to have caffeine. His dad said it was bad for him and would make him jittery. He'd never rebelled against his dad before. Well, screw the rules. He was an independent adult now, and he'd drink as many espresso shots as he wanted.

While Isaiah was drinking entirely too many legal stimulants, Marilyn was observing everything going on. She saw Lacey and Sean enjoying themselves at the Foosquidditch table. They were getting their butts kicked by a pair of researchers, but they were being surprisingly good-natured about it. Lacey only flipped them off once.

Karin was flirting with some administrative man. Marilyn had seen him at the front desk, smiling pleasantly and such. He was cute, but she didn't think he and Karin would go together. What was his name? It was a country or something. Israel? Scotland? Kazakhstan? Chad. That was it. His name was Chad, and Marilyn should have asked him about "RUN TO THE ROCK!"

Artemis and Zach were on break, Zach still visibly shaken. He was sitting on the couch next to Marilyn, softly humming "I Am the Walrus" and tapping his foot. "Are you okay?" Marilyn asked.

"AAH!" Zach jumped a foot. "Oh. Hi. And no, I'm not okay, I was attacked by Justin Bieber's cousin/ Nick Jonas' girlfriend/a criminally insane teenage girl. Who are you, exactly?"

"Marilyn Rivers, I'm a new researcher. Do you get attacked often?"

"Yes," Zach said rather resignedly. "About twice a week for the last three years, I'm used to it by now. Let's talk about something else, this is depressing me. Do you like the Beatles?"

Zach did. A lot. Zach loved music from the fifties to the early eighties. His favorite bands included the Beatles, Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, and Pink Floyd. Marilyn was very interested in what he had to say, which was refreshing. He was used to people rolling their eyes, throwing a speaker playing Britney Spears at him, or just changing the subject. It was kind of cool.

Out of the corner of her eye, Marilyn noticed Lacey punching an administrative man. She went back to her conversation.

Wait. Punching? Marilyn excused herself and raced over to the Foosquidditch table. "Lacey! Let go of him!"

Sean and Marilyn managed to pull Lacey off the man with some difficulty. "He called me a fat Mudblood whore!" Lacey yelled.

The man smirked. Lacey's blood boiled and she felt another urge to hit him. "Lacey, calm down," Marilyn said. "He's just trying to make you angry. Don't give him the satisfaction."

Lacey stopped struggling. "Fine."

Sean led Lacey away, shooting the occasional glare over his shoulder. Marilyn sighed. She loved Lacey, but the girl could be way too dramatic sometimes, especially when someone insulted her. It was a lot of work being her friend, from letting her sleep over when she drank too much firewhiskey to keeping her from choking someone. But it was worth it.

Isaiah bounded over. "Hi, Mari! What's up?"

"Well, Lacey just got in a fight, and I had to go intervene."

"That sucks. Hey, did you know that espresso pong is wayway fun? Wayway is a new word I made up. It means that something's really, really, really…whatever you want it to be. For example, I wayway love coffee! It gives me so much energy, I could fly to the space station!"

Oh lord.


End file.
